Move The Penguins To Brooklyn - An Open Letter to "Commissioner" Bettman

Dear Gary, if I may, which, of course, I can, since none of your peers respect you, so why should I - exactly. Here's the gist: the future of the NHL lies in Brooklyn, NY, which, in and of itself, would constitute one of our nation's largest cities, but when encompassed within the Greater New York metropolitan area - wow, look out, Crosby, Staal, and Malkin a hop, skip, and jump from the world's most high-profile media market!? It's time to fulfill Red Dutton's dream, and forget the Dolan's, because here's the thing: if you build it, they will come, and what's more, you don't have to build it, which, of course, you're incapable of doing with your limited capacity, but whatever, it's already being built and called the Barclays Center, if you're slow on the uptake. Funny thing: Brooklyn, NY is only like fifty miles further from Pittsburgh than Brooklyn, PA, but now that I've planted the seed, you'll probably move the team to Brooklyn, PA, though maybe that's where Mario belongs: obscurity:

"B-b-but, we can't have four hockey franchises in the New York Tri-State Region."

Um, very good, Gary, here's a cookie - the Islanders should subsequently be relocated to Winnipeg (where a new arena also lights up the night sky), which is in Manitoba, as in Canada, you know, the birthplace of hockey, not the mall...http://www.jetsowner.com/ (this site has the best statistical data to support the failure of the nhl to gain a foothold in numerous markets)... Why the Islanders, you might ask, to which I might reply, when done laughing: have you watched any Isles games recently, or at any point over the past twenty years? Me neither, but from what I can see while surfing the Center Ice package, there are more Indians inhabiting Long Island than fans at Nassau Coliseum, not to knock their loyalty, but c'mon, who can make it to a seven o'clock weekday game at the Arbouretum? I mean, seriously, when was the last time someone scalped a ticket to an Islander game? I know, I know, I have reservations myself, which is why you schedule afternoon games the day after a major holiday, sanguine, yes, and attendance does rise, albeit minutely, because let's be honest, who wants to pay a few hundred bucks to see the Islanders and Sabres commingle the day after Christmas? Exactly; it'd be like selling Manhattan for a sack of beads, which you can look at as a set of testes, and an opportunity to launch the NHL's halcyon era once the Barclays Center opens around 2009; in the meantime, 'fans' in Pittsburgh and Long Island might actually be gracious enough to buy tickets for a game...

Here, lemme take the first step by knocking myself down to size so we can see things on the level: Potvin doesn't suck, in fact, he's the greatest all-around defenseman I've ever seen play (obviously, Bobby Orr preceded me), and I attended the game where he knocked Ulf Nilsson into the boards; man, he and Hedberg could've rivaled Datsyuk and Zetterberg! Anyway, I digress, but surely you understand the urgency: put yourself in john lennon's shoes and imagine all the fans that'd text search hockey on YouTube, you numbnut - YouTube and Versus, now there's a dynamic duo; surprised the NFL hasn't gone outta business yet with its piddly CBS, FOX, NBC, and ESPN television and radio contracts...anyway, so yeah, NO SLEEP 'TIL BROOKLYN! Not a wink, boy-boy, as you dream of all the ways you can seduce Mark Cuban into buying the Penguins and moving them into the new Barclays Center, ergo, seduce him into saving the NHL, wink-wink...besides, John Ziegler would've pulled the trigger, and the thing is, your tenure has been a miserable failure, marred by ineptitude, all of which can change with one bold and controversial measure to secure the future prosperity of the NHL - yes, not just its viability, but its long-term growth and sustenance, and wouldn't that be nice, like not having five teams located in Cactus League regions, and another two in the Grapefruit League, so yes, you're a lemon: abolishing the heritage of the divisions; the flaming puck - the FOX debacle in general, inclusive of the robots, and on and on and on, but hey, do the right thing, and MOVE THE PENGUINS TO BROOKLYN! Fans don't wanna see Hugh Jessiman playing fourth line rag on some ECHL squad at Bennett Field, WE want Crosby, Staal, and Malkin, so please, for the love of Messier, take your head outta your arse and move the Penguins to Brooklyn, where you can rename them the Americans and begin reeling in some serious scrilla; hell, call yourself messiah, for all I care - Just Do It! Oh, and by the way, don't be offended if I initiate a petition to have you Grey Davis-ed from office...Hasta La Vista, Your Doppelganger, Barry Getman...